I quit my job to pursue a career in archaeology.
Now my life is in ruins…

Working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job.
Knowing if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Dogs will eat old pizza off the pavement,
but try and hide a pill in some peanut butter
and suddenly they’re Gordon Ramsay.

Do electricians listen to AC/DC or something more current?

Why is it acceptable for people to be frickin’ idiots…
But not acceptable for me to point it out?

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer,
it’s called “Art” & “Music”.
But when I do it, I’m “Wasted” and “Have to leave Home Depot”.

You know you’re a bad driver
when Siri says:
“In 400 feet, stop and let me out!”

I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes
because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat
and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying
“I just find it funny how…”
Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny at all.

When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back.
But when you do, there’s the running and the screaming…

You know how they throw the ball
into the crowd after they win the game?
That’s not allowed in bowling.
I know that now.

If “womb” is pronounced “woom”
and “tomb” is pronounced “toom”,
shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced “boom”?

Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why is a pair of underwear one item?

Why are you “in” a movie, but “on” tv?

Why do “fat chance” & “slim chance” mean the same?

Why do we drive on parkways
and park on driveways?

If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular,
why is it still No. 2?

It’s been a strange day.
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

I’ve always wondered
if songbirds get mad
at hummingbirds
for not knowing the words.

Do coffins come with a lifetime warranty?

When you are dead,
you do not know that you are dead.
All of the pain is felt by others.
The same thing happens when you are stupid.

A religious person will do what he is told,
no matter what is right.
A spiritual person will do what is right,
no matter what he is told.

Maybe the grass is greener over there
because you are not there fucking it up.

I was watching a show called
“Ten Ways To Avoid A Shark Attack”
and was surprised that “stay out of the water”
wasn’t on the list.

The biggest joke on mankind
is that computers have started asking humans
to prove that they aren’t a robot.

Freeze Mentos inside of ice cubes.
Serve your friends diet Coke time bombs.

I always see more people walking into Walmart
than out of Walmart.
But the meat is cheap,
so I don’t ask questions.

My brother took going to jail really badly.
He refused food and drink,
spat and swore at anyone who came near him.
After that, we NEVER played Monopoly again.

Research shows that laughing for 20 minutes
is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog.
So, now I am sitting in the park
laughing at all the joggers.

I bought a second-hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

Lemon isn’t naturally occurring.
It is a hybrid by cross-breeding a bitter orange and a citron.
So life never gave us lemons, we invented them all by ourselves.

My house is build on a burial site,
I mean, it wasn’t when I moved in, but now…

Start each day with a smile,
…or coffee if you’re not a morning person.

I burned 2,000 calories today.
I forgot my pizza in the oven…

Parallel lines have so much in common,
it’s a shame they’ll never meet…

When you can be anything you want,
an asshole seems an odd choice…

My train of thought derailed
there were no survivors…

If you see your glass as half empty,
pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching…

If God had written the Bible,
the first line should have been: “It’s round”.

If you go to other people’s funerals,
they won’t be going to yours…

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Stadium to get new air-conditioning system…
fans protest.

Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.

My ex got fired from her job as a massage therapist
because she rubbed people the wrong way.

Say what you want about deaf people.

I for 1 support the use of Roman numerals.

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled
how would we know?

If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown too?

I’m going to get an MRI to find out
whether or not I have claustrophobia.

I installed a skylight in my apartment
and made the people who live above me furious.

All those who believe in psychokinesis
raise my hand.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is,
it’s always room temperature.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to the General store,
they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.

If at first you don’t succeed,
then skydiving isn’t for you.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that
they always take things literally.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

My boss texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes.”
I replied: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send one later.”
He replied: “Haha, that was hilarious! Send me another one!”

My wife and kids are upset
because I put Ginger in their curry.
They loved that cat…

With great power comes:
☐ great responsibility
☑ huge electricity bill

The Americans call it an elevator,
The British call it a lift.
I guess they were just raised differently…

Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don’t we do something about natural stupidity?

A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt…

If you break a pencil, you have two pencils. If you break a pen, you have zero pens…

When a pregnant woman swims, she’s basically a human submarine…

Using your laptop to research buying a new one
is like asking it to dig its own grave…

They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then re-release the original…

If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, I would never need a dollar…

Today I started a 28 day no swearing challenge
which I will restart tomorrow.

I just stubbed my toe.
Did I scream and cry like a baby?
No, of course not.
A baby does not have the lung capacity to do what I just did!

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.
He just sat there, drinking coffee,
like a psychopath.

I was so paranoid about my wife having an affair,
that we moved to a new town 700 miles away.
I couldn’t believe my luck when we still
managed to keep the same gardener!

People write congrats
because they can’t spell congrajulashins.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.
So if you are a good driver, watch out for turning women.

Her: Now that we’re married, you can stop going to the pub.
Him: You are starting to sound like my ex-wife.
Her: What? I didn’t know you were married before!
Him: I wasn’t.

I hate it when I’m talking to myself,
and suddenly realize I wasn’t listening,
and then have to start all over again.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, “I might be a typo.”

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one,
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Did you know, that on the Canary Islands,
there is not a single canary.
And on the Virgin Islands?
Same thing, not a single canary!

If having sex for money makes you a hoe,
does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

Efficient workers get punished with more work.

Me: “When I donate blood, I don’t extract it myself, the nurse does it for me!”
Nurse: “I understand, sir. But this is a sperm bank, it doesn’t work like that here.”

Doctor, handing me the newborn:
“I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”
Me, handing the baby back to the doctor:
“Bring me the one my wife made.”

Transgender people aren’t what they used to be.

My grandmother’s got something that helps her meet new people all the time.
Alzheimer’s.

“At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.”

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship,
because if you don’t trust a woman 100%,
how do you know she is not going to tell your wife?

I have never paid for sex,
which has upset a lot of prostitutes.

I had a relationship with a blind girl,
which was rewarding but challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

What is it about being blind,
that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time?

I haven’t got children, but I’ve made a start.
I bought some puppies and a van.

People claim to be into recycling,
but you should see their faces
if you rinse out a condom.

If you are scared of paedophiles,
grow up!

Horses run around on their fingernails.

Are you a waiter if you are waiting for a waiter?

“Don’t you dare” sounds normal,
but “Do not you dare” sounds weird.

Firefly is the opposite of waterfall.

Wife: “Whisper dirty things into my ear…”
Husband: “Kitchen, Living Room, Bathroom…”

My family is mad at me for having sex with my third cousin,
which is surprising because they didn’t say anything
after the first two.

Before we work on artificial intelligence,
why don’t we do something about natural stupidity?

Many people don’t know this,
but you can read something you disagree with on the internet
and then just move on with your life.

Me: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Colleague: “Wow, you could start with a ‘good morning’!”
Me: “Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Wanna come over and watch porn on my flat-screen mirror?

I once trained to be a magician, but I failed the final exam.
They were all trick questions.

Me: “I have a shit every morning at 8 am.”
Doctor: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Me: “I wake up around 9.”

I went to the paint shop to get thinner.
It didn’t work.

A good marriage is when she’s by your side during bad times,
to tell you that none of this would’ve happened
if you had just listened to her.

And the 2025 award for best suicide bomber goes to Abdul.
Unfortunately, Abdul can’t be with us tonight…

My wife told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list,
and now she is complaining she can’t read the damn list.

Tried to cheat at golfing by designing golf balls
that automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.
Note to self: Do NOT carry them in back pocket again!

I recently got myself circumcised,
because women will grab anything with 20% off.

My kids wouldn’t eat the tacos I made,
so I had to throw them out.
Then I just ate the tacos myself.

Roses are red,
roses are blue,
depending on the velocity
relative to you.

I love gay people.
They leave more girls for me
and take another dude out of the competition.

I was at the gym last night when I noticed a hole in my trainer,
just big enough to get my finger in.
Now she’s made a formal complaint, and I am banned for life.

Two dudes were beating up a little kid in an alley,
so I stepped in to help.
He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Change your password to ‘incorrect’.
That way, your computer will remind you when you get it wrong.

In the 1940s, males fakes their age to fight in World War II.
In 2025, males pretend to be females to win in sports.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day…
The 2 days in the year when suddenly
NO ONE is confused about what a man and a woman is.

3.8 billion woman on the planet.
You’d think it would be clean by now.

Boss: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Employee: “Yeah, of course I do!”
Boss: “How about getting laid a little more often?”

I told my psychiatrist that I have suicidal thoughts.
The bastard now makes me pay him in advance.

When one door closes, another one opens.
Besides that, it’s a pretty good car.

First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem” – “What?”
“Never mind…” – “What’s the problem?”
“Nothing” – “Please tell us!”
“I’m fine…”

Friend: “Are you free this Friday?”
Me: “That entire depends on the rest of
the information you’re about to give me.”

I failed maths so many times at school, I can’t even count.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

NASA is about to open the first restaurant on the moon.
Great food, but no atmosphere.

My girlfriend asked me what DVD’s I’d like to watch with her.
I told her to get lost.
Turns out Lost is some TV series!

When I was a child, this priest told me
I was the cutest looking boy he’d ever seen.
I was touched.

I’m starting to think that I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample,
there was an olive in it.

I can sympathise for a lot of the priests
who committed sexual offences.
Most of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.

I’ve just got hold of a lorry load of flat batteries.
They were free of charge.

My wife started horse riding to try and lose weight.
It worked.
The horse lost 30 lbs in thirty days.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the lads,
being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom,
and having the nerve to ask:
“Are you still cleaning or just going flying somewhere?”

A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed.
In this version, a woman hires the Devil
to get a Priest out of her son.

Rats are under rated.
Just check your dictionary.

Knowledge: knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom: not putting it in a fruit salad.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea,
does that mean that one enjoys it?

The word “Gypsy” isn’t politically correct any more,
they are now to be called,
“Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers”

My singing coach is such a selfish bastard.
It’s always bloody “mi mi mi” with him.

I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.

I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.
It didn’t go down very well.

How come when your Wife’s pregnant,
all her friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations”,
but none of them rub your dick and say well done?

Police have discovered a terrorist
plot to put bombs in tins of alphabet soup.
If one goes off, it could spell disaster.

After reading about the evils of drinking,
I’ve decided to give up reading.

When an agnostic dyslexic experiences insomnia,
they sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Is “repossession” what happens to you
if you don’t pay your exorcist?

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous,
everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning
and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

You know what really floats my boat?
Buoyancy.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street.
One says to the other, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The other replies, “Must be the cobbles.”

If all else fails, stop using all else.

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep
like my Grandfather.
Not screaming, like his passengers.

The irony of playing a game of chess
against your Czech mate.

A fireman runs into a classroom
holding a screwdriver and yells:
“Quick, everyone, get out! This is not a drill!”

Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedies.

I wrote a book on penguins,
on reflection, paper would have been better.

“Deja Moo”
The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

It is hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking,
because those men already have boyfriends.

A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62.
Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

When you mix up your Viagra and laxatives,
it makes you crap in bed.

A man came up to me and said, “Knock knock.”
I said, “You must be joking.”

Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.

If you believe in telekinesis,
raise my hand.

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb,
a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar.
I began to realised my life was one big joke.

When you go into court,
you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

If a man says something in the woods,
and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

If only the good die young,
then what does that say about senior citizens?

To do is to be. – Descartes
To be is to do. – Voltaire
Do be do be do. – Sinatra

It was so cold last winter,
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the fuck is this? Farmageddon?

I was raised to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be.
Turns out, the police call that identity theft!

If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?

Which word is also a sentence?
“Marriage.”

The longest sentence in the English language:
“I do.”

Dave drowned.
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

In the room, the curtains were drawn,
but the rest of the furniture was real.

The proctologist reassured the patient
that his condition could be rectified.

When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute,
I was relieved.

Most relationships involve three different rings,
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Children shouldn’t watch big band performances on TV,
too much sax and violins.

I took a urine test at the hospital today,
this kleptomania is getting out of hand.

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is “goodbye.”

My mate’s a workaholic,
anyone mentions work and he gets drunk.

I’ve started cooling my beer outside
in these sub-zero temperatures.
I got the idea from the old lady next door,
she’s been doing it with her milk bottles.

My deaf ex-girlfriend left me for one of her deaf friends.
I should have seen the signs.

Is the fear of getting stuck in a chimney Santaclaustrophobia?

I’d just like a chance to prove
that money can’t buy me happiness.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can’t even get into my own pants.

Red meat isn’t bad for you,
furry, green meat is bad for you.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Women like silent men,
they think they’re listening.

I’m not a fan of innuendos,
but I do try to slip one in occasionally.

A man goes to an eye specialist.
“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?”
and the man replies, “No, just spots.”

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She told me that I have to stop wanking, so I asked, “why?”,
she said, “because I’m trying to examine you.”

Women have to deal with periods and pregnancies,
men have to deal with women.
It’s all about balance.

I can’t understand what all that fuss was over female linesman,
I mean, if there’s one thing women specialise in,
it’s pointing out men’s mistakes.

Do people with Parkinson’s
shoot steady footage during earthquakes?

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me.

I’ve just founded a band called “The Prevention”.
We’re going to be better than “The Cure”!

I used to fight a lot in my youth,
now I just play computer games.
I’m an ex boxer.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condom?
It hangs around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends’ bra off,
I decided to give up.
Now I wish I’d never put it on in the first place.

I bought my girlfriend a Smart Car today,
it won’t let her in.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.
Dignity is not one of them.

Can deaf people tell the difference
between a yawn and a scream?

Just saw a box of After Eights for sale on eBay,
“Mint Condition”.

“Local Police Station Toilet Stolen”
Latest statement says they have nothing to go on.

If you haven’t worn a blindfold at a shooting range before,
you should do it,
you don’t know what you’re missing.

A father is someone who carries pictures
where his money used to be.

If you suss out a magician,
is he disillusioned?

Occasionally I question my sanity.
Sometimes, worryingly, it replies.

3200 Egyptian soldiers have just entered Jordan.
She’s a little sore, but ready for more.

Some bought a decommissioned Boeing 747
to turn into a high class restaurant.
I can’t see that taking off.

Never get into a row with a physicist
about the size of the universe.
It goes on forever.

The new Apple factory will create 2500 new jobs.
Looks like they perfected cloning.

“I before E, except after C.”
Disproved by science.

I tried to buy some tennis balls off eBay last night,
but the site just kept crashing.
They had problems with their server.

My mate’s mother-in-law came into where he works today,
and he was genuinely pleased to see her!
He’s an undertaker.

Library books with the lowest return-rate
are the ones about suicide.

Nervous dude asks captain,
“How often do these planes crash?”
Captain responds, “Just the once.”

When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

A mate of mine admitted being addicted to brake fluid,
but he assured me he could stop any time.

Last night, my new girlfriend said
I‘d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.
I said, “You’re pulling my leg!”

I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs,
like customs officers.

Five armed men have been arrested
near the Sellafield nuclear site in Cumbria.
And I thought the three eyed fish theory was a joke!

I was so disappointed after travelling all that way
to see the Great Wall of China.
It wasn’t made of china at all!

Eurovision is the Paralympics of music.

After I was being carried from Kings Cross station
with a severe concussion,
I’m beginning to think my
Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.

They said being blind
would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.
I don’t see them laughing now!

My mate called me up to ask,
“Whatcha doin’ in the river, mate?”
I replied,
“Probably failing my driving test.”

The chemists told me I should stop taking vitamins,
“why?” I asked, “because shoplifting is illegal,” they said.

Cleavage is like the sun, you can’t help looking,
but it can be dangerous to stare.

A Cheetah C200 plane crashed into a Ferris wheel.
Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.

I had a steak that mooed at me,
I thought, “That’s rare.”

I asked my barber to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise,
so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

Women are like fine wines,
you can get them cheaper if you go abroad.

My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction.
She hasn’t said anything, but I bet that’s what she’s thinking.

What’s amnesia?

My damn horse will only come out when it gets dark,
it’s becoming a night mare.

Does it occur to anyone filling in their Curriculum Vitae
to say they know a little Latin?

Life is like a bowl of soup,
you only get blown if you’re hot.

As the saying goes, ‘time is money’,
does that mean all ATMs are time machines?

My girlfriend dumped me because she says
it’s annoying how I relate everything to Batman,
what a Joker.

Baldness…
A second chance for gingers…

My mate bemoans the fact he can’t get a girlfriend,
even though he speaks two languages fluently,
English and Klingon.

With the new iPhone having trouble
understanding the Scottish accent,
Apple have begun working on an ‘Aye’phone.

When the Pope dies,
is he being fired or getting promoted?

I dialled 999 the other day and said,
“Two girls are fighting over me.”
“OK,” she paused. “Well, what’s the problem?”
“The fat one’s winning.”

Apparently, sex shops now stock Muslim sex dolls,
quite popular because they blow themselves up.

Cow tipping is a really weird thing,
what would they do with the cash anyway?

Women can be much like volcanoes,
ready to blow at any time, but probably never will.

An essay should be like a skirt,
long enough to cover the subject,
short enough to keep it interesting.

My mates’ girlfriend wrote on a balloon,
“Will you propose to me?”
He immediately popped the question.

A recent survey discovered that a woman’s,
“I’ll be ready in five minutes”, and a man’s,
“I’ll be home in five minutes”,
are exactly the same.

My mate drowned when he fell in a vat at the distillery.
Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off bravely.
When he was cremated, he burned for three days.

I’ve got a new job with 500 people under me,
cutting the grass at the cemetery.

If the world were a logical place,
surely it would be the men that ride horses side-saddle.

It’s that time of year again,
when Satan gets a shitload of letters from dyslexic kids.

Woman: “My gynaecologist says I can’t have sex for a month”.
Husband: “What did your proctologist say?”

I got a dig bick, you that read wrong.
You read that wrong too.

Downloaded Bonnie Tyler’s voice for my navigation system.
It was disappointing.
It kept telling me to turn around
and every now and then it falls apart.

My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles
and his dog found it and brought it back!
Sound a bit far-fetched.

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
it doesn’t matter if it’s Visa or Mastercard.

Common sense is like deodorant,
the people who need it most rarely have it.

‘Open Mike Night’ means a whole different thing in gay bars.

Isn’t it funny how we say that, ‘noses run’ and ‘feet smell’?

Just witnessed an Apple Store get robbed,
police have detained me as an iWitness.

Grammar,
the difference between knowing your shit,
and knowing you’re shit.

Don’t blame the photographer’s,
the Loch Ness monster actually really is blurry.

I took my wife to a freak show yesterday,
but they weren’t hiring.

My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste
doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

There’s a huge advert for Viagra in our high street,
it’s been up for ages.

“I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig”
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

My girlfriend asked me for some Southern Comfort.
The slap in the face alerted me to the fact
we were thinking differently.

My girlfriend assures me that size doesn’t matter,
but all of her dildos look like they’re missing a lamp shade.

Obsession of Yoda, my girlfriend has left me because.

Last night my wife said if I turned the light off
she’d take it up the arse.
Maybe I should’ve waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.

Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything,
while simultaneously destroying your ability to do so.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

My gambling addiction cost me my marriage,
or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.

“Twister kills fifteen in Kansas”
Jesus, I knew it was an awkward game, but that’s ridiculous!

Ain’t it just a little racist
that they called the sea between China and Korea
the Yellow sea?

I’m really worried about my Parrot, he keeps saying,
“I can’t go on, I hate my life”.
My room-mate’s too selfish to notice, he’s always crying.

If the chemical composition of water is ‘H₂O’,
does that mean that Holy Water should be ‘H₂OMG’?

“Jesus loves you”, can be a nice enough gesture in church,
but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.

The police came to my house, showing me a picture,
“Is this your wife, sir?
I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I replied, “I know, but she’s good with the kids.”

90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts.
Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

The Higgs Boson, as they’re now pretty sure it actually exists,
can they stop calling it the ‘God particle’?

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes
about the Moon, and follow them up with,
“Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”

Facebook is a lot like Ancient Egypt,
people writing on walls and worshipping cats.

Heard about the Emo that goes to a massage parlour
and asked for an unhappy ending?

Hummingbirds are just regular birds
that don’t know the words.

It’s, “Jamaican hairstyle day”, at work tomorrow,
I’m dreading it.

Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died,
what vision, to know we’d need one hand free
while at the computer.

Don’t trust atoms,
they make up everything.

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the
sperm bank before the alarm had gone off,
it was a premature evacuation.

I ate a ploughman’s lunch at the weekend,
he didn’t look too happy about it.

I heard a rumour that they’re
giving away manure at my local fair.
I went down there to check, it was bullshit.

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap.
Lance is still in prison.

There were a couple of girls
banging on my bedroom door all night.
I had to let them out eventually.

I haven’t slept for two weeks,
because that would be more like a coma.

While on drugs, I would see things
that looked like beams of light,
and hear things that sounded like car horns.

My hobby is collecting empty bottles,
which sounds so much better than ‘alcoholic’.

I’d like to have kids one day.
I don’t think I could stand them
any longer than that, though.

My wife told me she wants another baby.
I told her, “That’s a relief, I don’t really like this one either.”

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

If someone burns to death,
do they get a discount at the cremation?

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette,
but it went in one ear and out the other.

My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary.
I’m not sure how, I didn’t even know it was today.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to meet so many new faces.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

I was shocked when I found out
my toaster was not waterproof.

Kermit the Frog is such a selfish asshole.
He didn’t say a word at his puppeteer’s funeral.

My daughter asked me how stars die.
“Usually an overdose,” I told her.

I started crying when dad was cutting Onions.
Onions was such a good dog.

My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.

The cemetery is so crowded.
People are just dying to get in.

My senior relatives like to tease me at weddings,
saying things like, “You’ll be next!”
I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you,
but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

They say the surest way to a man’s heart
is through the stomach.
But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

Today was the worst day of my life.
My ex got hit by a school bus,
and I lost my job as a bus driver.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Cannibals don’t eat clown because they taste funny.

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

My wife asked the waiter what they do
to prepare their chicken.
“Nothing special,” he explained.
“We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

It turns out a major new study recently found
that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.

I made a website for orphans.
It doesn’t have a home page.

I threw a boomerang a while ago.
I now live in constant fear.

You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog.
It was impossible to put down.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision
that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact
details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.

My parents raised me as an only child,
which really pissed off my sister.

My grandfather complained my generation
relies too much on the latest technology.
So I unplugged his life support.

You know you’re not liked
when you get handed the camera
every time they take a group photo.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.

In New York, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I’ve got an EpiPen. I don’t know what to use it for.
A friend gave it to me while he was dying.
For some reason, he REALLY wanted me to have it.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.
As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,”
but it’s hard without her.

I was digging in our garden and found some gold coins.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?”
and it activated the front camera.

My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.

I just got my doctor’s test results, and I’m really upset about it.
Turns out, I’m not going to be a doctor.

What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I intend to live forever.
So far so good.

If at first you don’t succeed,
don’t try skydiving.

If everything is coming your way,
then you’re in the wrong lane.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

I’ve only been wrong once,
and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

You can’t have everything,
where would you put it?

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the ability to reach it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy,
other times I let her sleep.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

There are three kinds of people:
Those who can count and those who can’t.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Always remember that you are unique,
just like everyone else.

I don’t suffer from insanity,
I enjoy every minute of it.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Borrow money from a pessimist,
they don’t expect it back.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Despite the high cost of living,
it remains popular.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.
I left without making a scene.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you;
but it’s still on the list.

When marriage becomes illegal,
only outlaws will have in-laws!

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

I was wondering why the Frisbee
kept getting bigger and bigger,
but then it hit me.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort
childproofing my house.
But the kids still get in.

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

If I got 50 cents for every failed maths exam,
I’d have $6.30 now.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.
It’s that no one runs in your family.

The man who invented knock-knock jokes
should get a no bell prize.

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.

Adam & Eve were the first ones
to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

If your girlfriend starts smoking,
slow down and use a lubricant.

Stalking is when two people go
for long romantic walks together,
but only one of them knows.

A mate of mine is always telling me
it’s better to give than receive.
A lesson he learned in prison.

Jonathan Ross went to a Star Trek fan convention
dressed as Chewbacca.
It was a Wookie mistake.

A blind man walks into a bar,
and a table, then a chair.

“Lonely pyromaniac is looking for perfect match.”

You can’t hear a pterodactyl urinate,
because its “P” is silent.

So what if I can’t spell ‘Armageddon’?
It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

Last night, I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy about it.

I still remember what my grandpa said
before he kicked the bucket.
It was, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Say what you like about paedophiles,
at least they drive slowly past schools.

Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two,
maybe more…

I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish.
I can’t stop coming to conclusions.

I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend for days now.
I don’t like to interrupt her.

The writer of ‘The Hokey Cokey’ song has died,
it was a struggle getting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

I was surprised when my lesbian neighbour
got me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think she misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch!”

My mate’s Thai girlfriend told him
that a small penis shouldn’t spoil their sex life.
He said she may be right,
but he’d prefer it if she didn’t have one.

I’m not convinced about the popularity of Advent calenders.
I think their days are numbered.

When you see lover’s names carved into a tree,
do you think, “that’s sweet”,
or do you worry that people take knives on a date?

My mum is always saying, “60 is the new 30”.
Lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.

For sale, limited edition bottle of Tippex.
It’s a corrector’s item.

Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning
and thought to myself,
“I wonder what his handicap is.”

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken
and met a girl dressed as an egg.
We ended up having sex.
An age-old question was answered…

Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up.
Unless you’re in prison…

A man had a terrible accident at work,
he fell into an industrial pepper grinder!
He’s fine now.

I wasn’t very close to my dad before he died,
which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.

As I get older and remember
all the people I’ve lost along the way,
I think perhaps I wasn’t the best tour guide.

Went to the zoo the other day, and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.

Russian dolls,
they’re so full of themselves.

My friend’s career is in ruins.
He’s an archaeologist.

Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller,
just to confuse people.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing,
but meant a mother.

I was watching porn last night when my girlfriend walked in.
Not the best way to find out about her new job.

According to my girlfriend, sex is better on holiday.
Worst postcard ever to receive.

When I heard a cure had been found for dyslexia,
it was like music to my arse.

My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm,
but I accidentally gave her a tube of Pritt.
Now she’s not talking to me.

You can’t trust Hawaiians,
their i’s are too close together.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.
She’s inflatable.

Wheelchair athletes banned from the Paralympics
after testing positive for WD40.

To be frank,
I would have to change my name.

I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend, and he said,
“I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

A policeman with a sniffer dog said to me,
“My dog tells me you’re on drugs!”
I said, “Mate, you’ve got a talking dog,
but I’m the one on drugs?!”

My girlfriend discovered I was cheating
when she found a pile of letters I’d hidden.
She said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.

You’d think finding your luggage at an airport is easy.
However, that’s not the case.

Men have found taking Viagra eases their sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off their legs at night.

They’ve invented a new game, called ‘quiet tennis’.
It’s just like normal tennis, but without the racket.

My girlfriend told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’
when I give it to her tomorrow.

To that thief that took my anti-depressant pills,
I hope you’re happy now!

It’s so annoying when people get their sayings wrong.
After all, it’s not rocket salad!

I got a rejection letter from the Origami University today,
I’m not sure what to make of it.

My Grandad always said,
“as one door closes, another opens”.
Lovely man, terrible cabinetmaker.

I thought I’d use my Tesco Clubcard
to scrape the ice off my windscreen,
but I could only get 10% off.

I’ve decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines.
I have loads of back issues.

To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you. I have contacts.

I’ve been telling about the benefit of eating dried grapes,
it’s all about raisin awareness.

My partner said I’m getting fat, but in my defence,
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

As I was late to the cannibal feast,
I was given the cold shoulder.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.
“Do you mind waiting for a bit?”, the manager asked.
“Not at all!”, I replied.
“Good, take these drinks to table 9.″

I was arrested for downloading the entire Wikipedia.
But I could explain everything.

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means,
it’s not the end of the word.

A priest, an Imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
I think the rabbit might be a type o.

What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!

I was in the chemist and I asked an assistant,
“What gets rid of Coronavirus?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said, “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!”

A man has been filmed on CCTV stealing police car tyres.
Police are working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Before my surgery, I asked the doctor
if I could administer the anaesthetic.
“Sure, knock yourself out!” she replied.

I just heard that Bilbo Baggins died of a Viagra overdose.
I guess old Hobbits die hard.

I thought I’d give drag racing a try,
but running in heels is a nightmare.

Our drummer got so depressed about his lousy timing.
It all got too much for him, and he threw himself behind a train.

When making a film about Emo’s recently,
it was hard to know what to shout to stop filming.

Two nuns are out after dark, when a vampire jumps out.
The first nun says, “Sister, show him your cross!”,
so the second one says,
“Fuck off, you pointy-toothed bastard!”

I bought my girlfriend a fur coat made of hamster skins
and took her to Blackpool for the weekend.
Couldn’t get her off the Big Wheel for 2 days!

Bruce Lee’s only daughter, Simone,
now makes a living selling mobile phone contracts.

My nickname at school was Scarface,
I was excellent at knitting.

At the airport, I went into a room that said UK Customs.
There was an orderly queue of people putting on kettles,
dunking biscuits in tea, eating bacon, egg, and fried bread,
and talking about the weather.

The population of Ireland’s capital city is really growing fast.
It’s Dublin.

I bought a cheap wig this morning.
It was a small price toupee.

The majority of archaeologists is female,
because they have a natural tendency to dig up the past.

Therapist:
“Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?”
Him:
“To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers!”

I must warn you.
Never-ever use reverse psychology!

If you ever feel useless,
remember somebody is working as a lifeguard
at the swimming Olympics.

If you ever feel useless,
remember that Bing’s top searched word is “Google”.

Today I touched my inner self.
No more cheap toilet paper for me.

The first 9 months of my life,
I was a man trapped in a woman’s body.

I tried donating blood… Never again!!!
Too many stupid questions!
“Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?”

During a disaster, we evacuate women and children first,
so we can think about a solution in silence.

My neighbour clearly doesn’t watch porn.
She asked me to fix her sink, I’ve been here for an hour,
and I’m still fixing the fucking sink!

I’m sorry; if you were right, I’d agree with you.

A real girl isn’t perfect,
and a perfect girl isn’t real.

I went for an Italian recently…
Well, he was annoying me!

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

You are here.

Satan: This is the lake of lava you’ll be spending eternity in.
Me: Actually, we’re underground, so it would be magma.
Satan: You do realise this is why you’re here, yes?

My mother’s voice was so loud,
even the neighbours would brush their teeth and get dressed.

I asked my daughter to hand me the phone book.
She laughed, called me a dinosaur and lent me her phone.
So now the spider is dead, the phone is dead,
and my daughter is furious.

If money is the root of all evil,
who do they ask for it at church?

I started reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it!

My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now I just call him Dav.

The person who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.

For sale: dead parakeet.
Not going cheep.

Garbage men don’t get any training.
They just pick things up as they go along.

The Beasty Boys are releasing a 5-part anthology.
Parts A to D are freely available,
but you have to fight for your right to part E.

Doctor: “I’m sorry I kept you waiting.”
Me: “No problem, I’m patient.”

Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer.
I said, “Okay, this isn’t working out!”

I once cut down a tree simply by looking at it.
Nobody believed me, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

I don’t trust left-handed people.
They’re not right.

I put a dart board on the ceiling.
It made people throw up.

I wrote a self-help book on how to not fall down the stairs.
It’s a step-by-step guide.

To all the people who say I won’t accomplish anything
because I procrastinate too much,
you just wait…

Someone should invent a thought controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.

No matter what you’re going through, always help people.
Instead of “Fuck Off!”, ask people,
“How can I help you to fuck off?”
Be kind.

Driving down the road and saw my ex.
It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years.

A shop assistant has fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Someone asked how much I usually spend on a bottle of wine.
I don’t know… half an hour?

Chinese malariologist and pharmaceutical chemist Tu Youyou must be the most confusing person to sing happy birthday to.

I accidentally took my laxatives with holy water.
I am about to start a religious movement.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue in my house.
He refused.

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you.
Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

When I dunk my cookies, I think of you…
…and hold them under until the bubbles stop.

Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say!
I’m getting tired of your shirt!

If Cinderella’s shoe fit,
why did it fall off?

I do all my own stunts,
but never intentionally.

People are usually quite shocked
when they find out I am not a very good electrician.

My partner and I have been trying to adopt a kid for two weeks.
But the agency said we have to keep it longer than that.

I am bald, but I still own a comb.
I just can’t part with it.

I don’t have a swear jar because I don’t make enough money to keep up with my mouth.

Condoms prevent minivans.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it is a heart-warming story about a shark giving limbs to disabled people.

Thank your dad for bringing you in this world,
because your mother probably wasn’t even in the mood.

Happy wife, happy life.
Happy husband, wife is suspicious.

If your dog has a fever, give it some mustard.
It’s the best thing for a hot dog.

I was involved in a one-night-stand that went horribly wrong.
We’ve been married three years now.

It was only after I shot the fifth zombie,
that I started to wonder
why they were all carrying bags of sweets
and ringing my doorbell.

As a family, we couldn’t decide
whether to have Nana buried or cremated.
So in the end we decided to let her live.

I watched the Director’s Cut of a porn film.
At the end, he actually fixes the washing machine.

My premature ejaculations made me feel bad for my girlfriend.
She suggested I try this cream that reduces sensitivity.
It really worked, because now I don’t give a shit about her.

I bought a really nice 12-year-old Scotch.
Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

I hate people who complain about breastfeeding in public.
Like, “I don’t want to see it,” or “That’s disgusting,” or
“You can’t’ do that, you’re not a woman.”

I you want, I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

One time at school I lost my thesaurus.
I couldn’t find the words to describe how upset I was.

When they buried the man who invented Tetris,
the whole cemetery disappeared.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Grandpa!
Shit, stop the funeral!

Last time a girl asked me for sex, I had to disappoint her,
we had sex.

I don’t worry about being dead, I won’t know about it, that’s the best thing about being dead. It’s like being stupid, it’s only painful for others.

My dad said, “You can be anything you want to be, the sky is the limit.” Which made me sad, because I wanted to become an astronaut.

In my spare time, I like to fart on crowded lifts,
which is wrong on so many levels.

Moneywise, I’m set for life,
provided that I die next Tuesday.

I married Way Too Young,
a Chinese girl.

My girlfriend thinks I’m incapable of being faithful.
My wife, on the other hand…

I was going to join the debating-team,
but someone talked me out of it.

None turned up on the first meeting of my sarcasm-club,
despite loads of people saying
how much they were looking forward to it.

Pritt is not the best lip salve I’ve ever used,
but I couldn’t complain.

I’m reading a book at the moment,
it’s called “The Anti-Climax”.
The first part is good.

Keep rolling your eyes,
you might find a brain.

If we just removed all laws,
the crime rate would be 0%.

Cinderella must have had some strange feet
if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

You are what you do,
not what you say you’ll do.

If liar’s pants really did catch on fire,
watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign,
that’s weird…

I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row.
I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs.
Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

When people tell me
“you’re going to regret that in the morning,”
I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

Before Therapy: I hate people.
After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

Explaining bedtime to the kids:
“It’s not about how tired you are,
it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.”

If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,”
the correct response is,
“I don’t believe you.”

I’d like to help you out,
which way did you come in?

“You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy
you would bang his woman.

If Merry Christmas offends you,
then Merry Christmas!

Half of the world is composed of people
who have something to say and can’t,
and the other half have nothing to say
and keep on saying it.

I was taught to think before I act,
so if I smack the crap out of you,
rest assured that I’ve thought about it,
and I feel confident in my decision.

It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older.
It’s more like my warranty has expired.

When you tear out a man’s tongue,
you are not proving him a liar,
you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

Everyone agrees,
when you censor the ones who don’t.

The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company
that gets away with child labour.

I would slap the crap out of you,
but there would be nothing left.

Anyone can have a wank under a sheet,
but it takes skill to do it
without the hairdresser noticing.

We clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the facade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the facade of having a clean house.

Drivers ignoring winter conditions,
may be subject to natural selection.

Nothing brings more peace,
than when you stop giving a fuck.

When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker,
and you wake up bald.

Stop trying to please people who don’t like you,
and embrace the joy of being
the most annoying person they’ve ever met.

They’re not red flags,
they’re fun facts about me.

Australian Kiss…
Kind of like a French kiss,
but down under.

The older I get,
the less life in prison is a deterrent.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn,
and not the collapse of civilization.

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

Just caught my pecker in my zipper.
No more zip-up boots for me.

It’s important to get out of the house now and then,
to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

How about taco Wednesday’s?
No one has ever done that before.

Some of my friends exercise every day.
Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like
because the remote fell on the floor.

What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?

Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said.
Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture, like,
what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser?

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: “There’s a spider in your bra.”

Old computer games couldn’t be won,
they just got harder and faster until you died.
Just like real life.

Yeah, you’re made of star stuff,
but so is garbage, so calm down.

I’m like an avocado,
I’m only pleasant for a short period of time,
and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

If you’re not happy single, try dating apps.
You’ll still be single,
but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

Someone showed me a glass of water that was half full,
and they asked, “Is it half full or half empty?”
So I drank the water.
No more problem.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.

It’s not what you look at that matters,
it’s what you see.

I don’t have goals.
Goals are for soccer.
I’m not soccer.

Broken pencils are pointless.

At first, I didn’t like my beard,
then it grew on me.

You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

If you’re going through hell,
keep going!

I have not failed.
I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

If any of you cry at my funeral,
I’ll never speak to you again.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Haters are just confused admirers
because they can’t figure out the reason
why everyone loves you.

I’m in shape.
Round is a shape.

If you live to be one hundred,
you’ve got it made.
Very few people die past that age.

Most people don’t know this,
but you can actually be a vegan
without posting about it on social media!

Who decided that paper beats rock? Let’s test this.
Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face and then throw a rock at it.
Who wins?

I used to be good at sports.
Then I realized that I could buy trophies.
Now I’m good at everything.

I just read a list titled,
“100 Things to Try Before You Die.”
I’m pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

When going through airport customs
and the TSA agent asks,
“Do you have any firearms with you?”
do not reply, “What do you need?”

If you can’t beat them,
arrange to have them beaten.

If, at first, you don’t succeed,
destroy any evidence that you ever tried.

To err is human.
To arr is a pirate.

Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired.
Suicide is your way to tell life, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

It may look like I’m doing nothing,
but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly
because you are good
is like expecting the bull not to charge
because you are a vegetarian.

I once prayed to God for a bike,
but quickly found out he didn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

If we’re not supposed to eat at night,
then why is there a light in the fridge?

Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.

Once you’ve read a dictionary,
every other book is just a remix.

Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?

Everyone has an annoying friend.
If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

I was complimented on my parking skills today.
Someone left a note on my wind shield that said:
“Parking Fine.”

When your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity,
you know you’re broke.

You can’t be late until you show up…

When I was born, I was so surprised,
I didn’t talk for a year and a half…

If you want to embarrass a psychic,
throw a surprise party.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s.
That’s because she changes it more often.

I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male.”
Now it says, “It’s here somewhere, just keep driving.”

If you get a loan at the bank,
you’ll be paying it back for 30 years.
If you rob a bank, it’ll be 10 years.
Free financial advice.

The first five days after the weekend are tough.

Line dancing was originally invented by women,
waiting in line for the bathroom.

It became clear to me that the letters “T” and “G”
are too close together on the keyboard.
I’ll never be ending an email with the word “Regards” ever again!

I hate it when I’m singing along to a song,
and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

A dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing”
is the same as a woman saying, “I’m not mad at you.”

My bank balance is a constant reminder
that I’m safe from identity theft.

My neighbours are listening to some great music.
Whether they like it or not.

Books are knowledge, knowledge is power,
power corrupts, corruption is a crime,
and crime doesn’t pay.
So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.

I never thought I’d be one of those people
that hit the gym early in the morning.
I was right!

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance…
The five stages of waking up.

I hate it when people text, “Call me.”
I’m going to start calling people
and as soon as they answer, I’ll say,
“Text me.” and then hang up.

Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day.
Teach him to catch fish,
and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.

I don’t go crazy, I am crazy.
I just go normal from time to time.

I just printed on a wireless printer,
but I’m not sure which neighbour has my document.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time,
it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

I stepped on a cornflake this morning,
so I am a serial killer now.

There is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you:
the more you have, the longer you live.

When I don’t need to remember anything,
it’s really amazing the things that come to my memory.

I just broke my personal record for most days lived.

Santa saw your social media posts.
This year, you’re getting a dictionary.

The greatest thing about social media is
that you can quote something and totally make up the source.

– Abraham Lincoln

I want to make my name on Facebook “Nobody”.
So when I see someone post something stupid,
I can like it, and it will say “Nobody Likes This”.

I hope I die doing the things I love:
Checking my Facebook notifications and driving.

Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what’s on my mind.
I’m going to get myself in trouble
if I keep spilling my guts to you.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often,
and for the same reason.

If you think things can’t get worse,
it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons,
some guys had edit buttons,
bad times had fast-forward buttons,
and good times had pause buttons.

Never argue with idiots.
They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.

I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.

We live in a World where pizza gets to your home sooner than the cops…

Good morning, people of the World.
What are we offended by today?

One upside to the apocalypse would be
the end of people arguing politics on Facebook.

Send a woman to the store to get 5 items,
she will come home with 54.
But send a man to the store to get 5 items,
he will come home with 4.
It’s simple science.

My parents never allowed violent video games.
Just family-friendly board games with questions like,
“Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Whoever invented the idea that your harshest
critic is yourself was clearly never married.

Marriage is like going to an eatery, ordering something,
then taking a glance at a nearby table
and wishing you had ordered that.

I didn’t find out what happiness meant until I got married,
and then it was too late.

The trouble with being awesome is that opposites attract.

I need someone to touch me the same way
a woman touches a pair of shoes she can’t afford.

If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,”
maybe you should stop kidding yourself
and change it to “Single”.

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status.
After three, it should default to “Unstable”.

I wouldn’t say you’re stupid.
You are, but I wouldn’t say it.

A train station is where the train stops.
A bus station is where the bus stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

Sometimes I drink water,
just to surprise my liver.

Exercise can add more years to your life.
I just ran a mile and I already feel like I’m 82.

People think I’m too patronizing.
(That means I treat them as if they’re stupid)

TEIAM
There, problem solved!

7 billion people on the planet.
I can only tolerate probably 10 of them.

People keep saying, “I hate to bother you.”
Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble
when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

I’ve had a horribly busy day
converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding
you’re saying what you really think of them.

Quitting Facebook
is the new adult version of running away from home.
We all know you’re doing it for attention,
and we all know that you’ll be back.

It means more work for me when I find myself with people who can’t make fun of themselves.

If we tell people the brain is an app,
maybe they’ll start using it.

When you put a potato in the microwave and choose the
pizza button, it still comes out as a potato when it is done.
Choosing your own gender works in the same way.

The best way to get most partners to do something
is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

We never really grow up,
we only learn how to act in public.

As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice.
You can either be right, or you can be happy.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

I did not attend his funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

The planet is fine.
The people are fucked.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian
any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

A good friend will help you move.
But best friends will help you move a dead body.

Friends are people who know you really well
and like you anyway.

After all is said and done,
more is said than done.

I know the voices in my head aren’t real,
but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

The only mystery in life
is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Life is what happens
when you’re busy making other plans.

The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Cleaning up is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

I used to think I was indecisive,
but now I’m not too sure.

Behind every great man
is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

When I told my wife,
she should embrace her mistakes,
she hugged me.

My wallet is like an onion,
opening it makes me cry.

I’m not arguing,
I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Money can’t buy happiness,
but it can buy ice cream,
and that’s kind of the same thing.

I am not lazy,
I am on energy saving mode.

I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food,
and I eat it.

If you think you are too small to make a difference,
try sleeping with a mosquito.

Hard work never killed anybody,
but why take a chance?

People say nothing is impossible,
but I do nothing every day.

My partner and I fell in love at first sight.
Maybe I should have taken a second look.

How come you never see a headline like
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.

Have you ever noticed that
anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I never forget a face,
but in your case,
I’ll be glad to make an exception.

If you can’t laugh at yourself,
I can help you out.

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity.
And I’m not sure about the universe.

– Albert Einstein

I think God, in creating man,
somewhat overestimated his ability.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work,
ask him, “Whose?”

Don’t worry.
If Plan A doesn’t work,
there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

There is one word that describes people that don’t like me:
Irrelevant.

A diamond is just a lump of coal
that did well under pressure.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember:
You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job,
because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

When your children are teenagers,
it’s important to have a dog
so that at least someone in the house
is happy to see you.

I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us.
He’s not dead, just very condescending.

My friend works out every day,
reads two or three books a week,
and has daily sex with dozens of different people.
And all he does is complain about how he hates prison.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them.

Everybody wants to save the planet.
Nobody wants to help mom do the dishes.

I grew up with three sisters.
That’s how I learned to dance:
waiting for the bathroom.

Love is blind,
but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Before you marry a person,
you should first make them use a computer
with slow Internet service,
to see who they really are.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When you’re in jail, good friends will try to bail you out.
A best friend will be in the cell next to you, saying,
“Damn, that was fun!”

Sometimes I fill my blow up doll with helium,
so it’s playing hard to get.

Sometimes your knight in shinning armour
is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

Going to McDonald’s for a salad
is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

People make the world go round,
but at some point don’t you wish it were flat
so all the idiots would keep walking
and never come back?

We have so much in common.
You want to travel,
I want you to go.

I always wonder if film directors wake up screaming,
“Cut! CUT! CUT!!!” when they have nightmares.

Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with
“according to the prophecy…”

All men are born free and equal.
If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I married my wife for her looks.
But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries
not talking to each other.

I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look.
I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!

Tell your boss what you really think of him,
the truth will set you free.

Every day, man is making better fool-proof things,
and every day, nature is making bigger fools.
So far, I think nature is winning…

Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook
is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

Yes, I know how to shut up.
I just don’t know when.

So many stupid people,
and so few asteroids.

Doctor’s waiting rooms needs some music…
and better lighting… and more women…
a pole in the middle of the room…
and a buffet…

Dance like no one is going to put it on YouTube.

People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts…
Others come into our lives
and make us want to leave footprints on their face.

Statistically, 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

If guys had periods,
they’d brag about the size of their tampons.

Dear Santa,
let me explain…

Diplomacy is the ability to tell a person to go to hell
in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Before you criticise someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them,
you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting
when somebody across the table is reading it?

Proud of myself.
Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months,
and the box said 2–4 years.

Colour-blind and trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube.
This could take a while.

My computer just beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I speak my mind.
I never mind what I speak.

Decided to burn lots of calories today,
so I set a fat kid on fire.

One day your prince will come.
Yours just took a wrong turn, got lost,
and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

Roses are reddish, Violets are blueish,
if it weren’t for Christmas,
we would all be Jewish!

I love it when my computer says,
“are you sure you want to continue unprotected?”

I like to name my iPhone “Titanic”
so when it says “Syncing Titanic”
I click cancel, and it makes me feel like a hero.

Next time you’re in an argument with your wife,
start undressing.
She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

It was a sad day when I discovered that my
Universal Remote Control did not, in fact,
control the Universe…
Not even remotely…

Why do men have nipples?

I wanted to go jogging, but Proverbs 28:1 says,
“The wicked run when no one is chasing them.”

So there’s that…

There is more money spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research, which means by 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs, stiff willies and no idea why.

The inventor of autocorrect died,
the funnel will be held tomato.

When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer,
it’s called art.
But when I do it, I get kicked out of Home Depot.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight,
or if it was the 20th outfit she’d tried on,
and he just didn’t want to be late for dinner again.

Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea
of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.